Satire: Football Uniform Arms Race Entering Cold War Phase

As the college football season approaches, programs across the country have been steadily releasing teasers of new uniforms and helmets. The new uniform craze has even struck programs with longstanding uniform traditions like Nebraska and Notre Dame. Evan Alabama is rumored to be adding black alternates.

While the mass of new uniform designs might be overwhelming for fans, Jeanne Jackson, President of Product and Merchandising at Nike, said that it could be a lot worse.

“Several teams, and I can’t name all of them,” she said in a recent interview, “have 4-5 designs ready to go at the drop of a hat. Schools like Oregon have 30-40 designs waiting for launch the minute anyone threatens their supremacy. They agree to hold them back as long as certain Adidas teams remember their place in the global swag economy.”

Jackson notably mentioned that Nike has been working closely with Oklahoma State to create OSU’s own stockpile of uniform designs. OSU athletic director Mike Holder said the development of new swag has been progressing well.

“We’ve got at least 20 designs waiting in the wings,” said Holder. “All we need is a verified threat to our swag or the swag of one of our college NATO [Nike Athletic Teams Organization] allies. If Kansas or Miami try to start something, we’ll be ready.”

When asked what sort of designs would be included, Holder said he couldn’t give many specifics.

“We work hard every day protecting our swag technology from the Adidas Bloc, so no, I can’t really talk about it,” said Holder, adjust his orange blazer with black, chrome flames around the edges.

However, Holder did say he was authorized to use the words “leopard-print camo” and “Pegasus Pistol Pete.”

Holder said that he hoped the current tension wouldn’t devolve into what he could only refer to as the “Rainbow Initiative” but added he currently doesn’t see much risk of this.

“As long as schools like Mississippi State continue to cross-stitch their logo on their pants,” said Holder, “or Under Armour does whatever the heck those [Texas] Tech Ombre White uniforms were—seriously, Google it—I think we’ll be fine.”

Holder said he does dream of a day when colleges will be able to use swag technology for more peaceful applications, like swag powered cars, but until that day, the standoff will continue.