Hot Take of the Day: Chick-fil-A is Vastly Overrated

This week we rolled out a new segment in which PFB staffers lay out their hot takes of the day. It’s my turn and I feel like mine might just ruffle some feathers.

Kyle Porter kicked things off with his monograph on Monopoly, an antiquated board game that is more memorable for its forgettable pieces than its ability to retain your attention. Kyle Boone followed that up with the ever-present politics of recruiting and then Marshall Scott covered our backsides with a clean look at the ineffectiveness of T.P.

I felt immense pressure to nail down a solid topic for my first (and possibly last) attempt at railing against the status quo. Then I read a couple of those above-listed topics and settled very calmly on mine — Chick-fil-A doesn’t stink, but it’s not that great.

I’ll preface this slander by stating that my contention has nothing to do with any political or religious stances that this purveyor of poultry may be tied to. This is simply about some chicken, the quality of it and the painstaking feats I’ve gone to to secure such a mediocre box of nuggets.

My daughter will be six years old next week and she absolutely loves Chick-fil-A. I mean, she loooves it. And who could blame her? A kid-friendly play area replete with climbing tubes and slides. Goofy posters of personified, carnivore-deflecting cattle. Chicken nuggets that boast the distinction of resembling actual meat.

When I was her age (I slip deeper and deeper into #olds) I had to go to a mall just to find the stuff. If I was like her and born into the golden age of tenders in which every corner has a joint that specializes in fingers and fries — I would count myself #blessed just as she does.

But I’m the adult that has to deal with the lines at the drive-thru, the lines out the door and the lines formed just to sit and wait while the hyped-up and hopped-up kids scream inside a labyrinth of hamster tubes that are somehow squeezed into a 200-square foot room.

(Don’t come at me with your waffle fry takes. They’re just slightly worse fries that are slightly harder to eat.)

It’s just chicken and you can get it anywhere.

Zaxby’s is about as good with shorter lines. Raising Cane’s is better all-around (if they had a spicy version, Cane’s would reign supreme) and Slim Chickens, though more expensive, is comparable with CFA, again, with a shorter line.

Chicken Express is a better bargain. Popeyes and Church’s are both cheaper any day, and vastly better if you hit each on the right day. Even KFC is a better bang for your buck when you consider time and effort.

Personally, I think Golden Chick is the pick. Do yourself a favor and go spicy, then do yourself a bigger favor and up-size your drink.

I probably made an enemy or two with my pontification on processed poultry, but don’t mistake my gall for grit. You could very well find me on any given Monday at a Chick-fil-A near you. I’ll be the dad waiting in line to watch my kid get lost in the play area. If you see me, order me a Spicy Deluxe sandwich with extra sweet and spicy Sriracha sauce.

Ed. note: I approve of this message.