Going behind the scenes of Oklahoma State’s QB decision

It’s the biggest-kept secret in Oklahoma since, well, probably since sometime last October when Gundy refused to name a starter and (probably) played roulette with Monken on his laptop every week to determine the QB.

This time it’s different though — this time Mike Yurcich may or may not be on a words-per-day count via Gundy and Oklahoma State may or may not be looking into holographic technology in an effort to fool all 22 people who cover OSU’s football team.[1. Oh, and Mississippi State, can’t forget about their highly-sophisticated defensive game planning abilities.]

But you know what, I wanted to take you behind the scenes so you could be privy to all the conversations (probably) happening right now between Gundy, Yurcich, Holder, and everybody else involved in making this season-changing (potentially life-changing![1. Until week two, anyway.]) decision.

Shall we jump in?

[somewhere in the bowels of Boone Pickens Stadium[1. Somewhere that is still likely nicer than the nicest house I will ever own.]]

Gundy (with a small glass of bourbon in one hand): “The media, hah, I got ’em right where they think I want them.”

Holder: “The F does that mean?”

Yurcich: “Yeah, good job, Mike but really, who are we going to go with against Mississippi State?”

Holder: “Why don’t you get your Legos out and sketch out a few scenarios there, Y.”

Gundy: “Oh, I’ve actually been telling the media the truth thus far. Wait, I thought you guys knew that. I have no idea who we’re going to start. Who are my options again?”

Yurcich: “Four and ten.”

Gundy: “Crap, what about ones, you know the kid with the arm, he not coming out for the team this year?”

Holder: “You gift-wrapped him to your boy, Beckman up in Champaign, remember?”

Gundy: “Oh yeah.” [takes drink]

Boone (walks in wearing Drake t-shirt with a pair of Beats by Dre he stole from Calvin Barnett slung over his shoulder): “‘sup BOYS?!”

Gundy: [takes longer drink, refills glass]

Yurcich: “Ok so since I need to actually, you know, have some sort of game plan for this game against an SEC team that’s going to have players between 100x and 150x better than any opponent I’ve ever seen in my life, can we make a decision here?”

Boone: “Who is this guy?”

[Burns walks in]

Boone: “Burnie, who is this guy? [points at Yurcich]”

Burns (sits down): “I…uh…I don’t know. [looks at Holder] “Mike, did we hire him to be Marcus’ bodyguard or something?!”

Gundy: “He’s calling plays for me…or something.”

Holder: “He plays with Legos.”

Burns: “Three ‘Mikes’, eh?”

Gundy: “Hey Y, you want a beer or something?”

Yurcich (looking up from behind a red solo cup filled to the brim with Sunny Delight): “Sure, are they O’Douls? If not, I need to call my wife and check to see if it’s OK.”

[Holder walks out of room]

Boone: “Where is that crazy dude who always tried to get me to buy him a Mortal Kombat standing video game unit and have it shipped to the lobby of the Holiday Inn on 51?”

[Holder walks back in room]

Holder: “That was two coordinators ago, Boone.”

Gundy: “Ok, I have an idea.”

Holder (under his breath): “First time I’ve heard that in a while.”

Gundy: “Let’s call some coaches who have tried to pick between two quarterbacks before and see what they decided to do. Didn’t Urban do that at Florida State or Miami or wherever he was a few years ago? Yeah, let’s call him.”

[Holder dials Urban on speaker phone]

Gundy: “Hey Urbz, this is Gundz from down in Stillwater. I just wanted to know how you handled that “leaky faucet” situation you had…

[hits mute on speaker phone, starts crying because he’s laughing so hard at his own pun]

Gundy: “…down in Florida a few years ago with Tebow and that other guy…?”

Urban: “Wait, who is this?”

Gundy (obviously perturbed): “Mike Gundy!”

Urban: “Oh yeah, hey Mike, yeah we just thought it would be best if…[inaudible chatter on other end]…hey, uh, can I call you back, got some stuff coming across the police blotter right now…

[hangs up]

Holder: “That went well.”

Boone: [looks at Burns] “The Jay Z name change, Burnie, your thoughts on it?”

Burns: “Who..what?”

Gundy: “Let’s call Bob!”

[Holder dials OU football office]

Gundy: “Hey Bob, this is Mike, how’s Cale doi…ok I don’t care…wanted to ask you about your QB situation last year.”

Stoops: “OK.”

Gundy: “Is it a good idea to play two of them?”

Stoops: “I’d rather have a track of Pat Jones commenting on Kansas’ offense looped in my head for the rest of my life than do that again.”

Gundy (smiling): “Ok, thanks Bob. Oh, and sorry about your house, bummer. I usually have Kristin on burglar duty when I’m out of town. Just give her a shotty and hope it goes all right.”

Boone: “Speaking of shotties, I need somebody to go get my ranch ready for some game day hunting this fall. [points at Yurcich] “Still have no idea what you do, so you can do it for me, boy.”

[Yurcich looks around the room, nobody comes to his defense, nobody knows what defense is]

Gundy: “So I’m picking between the two-star, long-haired kid from Enid and the dude from Texas whose arm is limper than Boon..”

Holder: “My gosh, cut him off.”

[Dana and Monken dual-Skype themselves into the meeting]

In unison: “You guys miss us?”

Burns: “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yes.”

[unending cackling from Monken and Dana as they fade out of the 5-second Skype call]

Holder: “Lord, those two were an effing PR nightmare.”

Gundy: “They were, but they were play-calling geniuses. I know you wanted to take that beer helmet away from Monken during our home games but he was straight cash when he had that thing on. I mean just money.

Yurcich (potentially wasted on some bizarre Sunny D/bourbon mix): “Soh whoosse we pcikng for the frrrist gamme?”

Gundy: “He’s been drinking for, like, 10 minutes!”

Boone: “Still absolutely no idea who he is. He better leave my place spotless when he goes out there to get it ready for us though.”

Holder: “We really do need to pick somebody.”

Gundy: “Yeah, yeah, anybody check with the Clearinghouse people, see if I have any eligibility left?”

Boone: “Hell, I might have some eligibility left!”

[Holder looks at iPhone, sees text from Le’Bryan Nash that just says “at fairgrounds with Soucek, calf fry eating contest went bad, help pls?”]

Holder: “Uh, gotta go, good luck [winks at Gundy].”

Burns: “Look, I’d love to talk about this all day but I’m speaking at Desmond’s art gallery event tonight in OKC tonight and I need to get down there. Actually, speaking of OKC, anybody interested in some Chesapeake stock [looks at drunk Yurcich, grins]”

[10 minutes and 24 signature attempts later Burns unloads $400K worth of CHK stock to Yurcich for twice that price]

Boone: “Reminds me of that time I spent with Macklemore in Los Angeles. Kid couldn’t hold his liquor. Hell of a voice though.”

[Gundy turns projector on, flips on high school film (from 2001) of Daxx Garman throwing darts]

Yurcich: “lossk god!”

Gundy: “Him, we’re going with him! Somebody call Berry and tell him I picked the limp-arm guy.”

[Boone walks out to Jay Z lyrics barreling through his headphones: I’m a business, man!]

[scene]