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Gundy, Boone, Burns, Holder, and Monken Discuss Contracts



Oklahoma State Pickens bw t440Boone, Burns, Holder, Gundy, and Monken walked into a room. Stop me if you’ve heard this…

Monken: “Where’s the Bud heavy? I was told there would be Bud heavy.”

Burns: “Lord…it’s in the other conference room.”

Monken: “Somebody text Daxx, tell him I want two.”

Gundy: [texts Daxx: “Monk needs a deuce”]

[Daxx appears in under 20 seconds, tosses heavies at Monk, leaves]

Boone: “Why are we here again, who needs my money?”

Burns: [clears throat] “well…ahhhem.”

[Holder cuts him off]

Holder: [index finger pointing at Gundy] “This idiot wants another raise.”

Gundy: [looks up, slides Big 12 title ring across the table to Boone]

Burns: “So…who’s calling you, Mike?”

Gundy: “Tennessee, Arkansas, and Auburn. Kentucky called too. Or at least I think it was Kentucky, I saw the area code, laughed, and ignored it.”

[Monken burps loudly]

Holder: “Then that child from Broken Arrow leaked something about Tennessee signing him for 6/$36M all hell’s broken loose since.”

Gundy: “Arkansas’ been talking to me for weeks.”

Holder: “All I’ve got right now is that trashy Pistols blog trying to ward off everybody coming for Gundy. Nobody believes anything he says anyway, so that’s worthless.”

Monken: “Pistols blog? Like the formation?”

Holder: “No, you know the guy Wray went after over the uniform leak last year.”

Boone: “Yeah, that boy. I had my guys tailing him for a month in Dallas but they didn’t think he was even worth getting rid of. Vermin.”

Burns: “Speaking of uniforms, what helmets are we wearing this weekend?”

Boone: “You clowns are hopeless, this divorce is killing me, and every year I have to match an offer from some incompetent SEC team that couldn’t put two drives together if you started them on the other team’s 10 each time.”

[Monken smiles, starts doodling diamond formations on OSU letterhead]

Holder: “This greedy SOB goes 7-4 and wants another mil every year. I could have coached that team last year to the Big 12 title. Hell, you could have played head coach roulette with those morons on Orange Power and half of them could have coached that team last year to the Big 12 title.”

[door opens slightly, Joe DeForest sticks head in]

DeForest: “Hi guys, yeah, I heard you were talking contra….”

Monken: [interrupting] “Wait Joe, while you were talking, wait, yeah, we just scored again.”

[Monken crumples Bud heavy #2, throws can in corner]

Burns: “My gosh Mike, where do you find these offensive coordinators?”

Monken: “Shut up Burns, I just hung fifty in Norman, I do what I want. Go get me another pair.”

[Burns saunters off, takes DeForest with him]

Gundy: “I started out here seven years ago with a middle linebacker as my best quarterback BY FAR and this year we were a pair of fourth downs away from going for our third straight 10 win season.”

Holder: “Crap Mike, you’re like oh for the last five years on picking starting quarterbacks, how do I know you didn’t have a pair of second round picks on that ’05 team playing like fullback or something.”

Monken: “The hell’s a fullback?”

Gundy: “I stand by my Alex Cate decision.”

[Burns returns with two more Bud heavies]

[Burns’ phone rings]

Burns: [whispering] “It’s Travis.”

Travis: “Put me on the projector, Burns.”

[Burns flips projector on, Ford’s mug appears]

[Ford sits there, grinning maniacally, holding his contract, pointing at the “10” under “number of years”]

[Gundy looks away in disgust]

[Monken burps]

[Ford hangs up, but not before going back to fanning Marcus Smart with a palm leaf in the shape of the NBA logo]

Burns: “Well, I’m glad he called.”

Holder: “This whole charade is ridiculous. We’re Oklahoma State, not effing Florida, you’re pushing it at 3.75, Mike.”

[Boone jostles awake, he’s been out since DeForest walked in].

Boone: “Let’s wrap this up, them quail don’t hunt themselves.”

Gundy: “Fine.” [dials Tennessee athletic director]

[Jimmy Sexton walks in with his head buried in a video poker game]

Burns: “What are you doing here, Jimmy?”

Jimmy: “Mike texted me, said to find him a real estate agent. Plus I wanted to remind Holder how much more money I make than him.”

[phone rings, Burns picks up]

Burns: “Hello.” “Bobbb…Bob who?” “Simmons, huh?”

Holder: “Hang up.”

Burns: “So you’re really going to Knoxville, Mike?”

[Monken cracks fourth beer]

Monken: “Hey Boonie, how much you giving me if I hang triple digits on that sieve down in Waco this weekend?”

Boone: “I’ll give you a windmill. Two if we don’t punt.”

[phone rings]

[Burns picks up, whispers “it’s Dana”]

Holder: “Lord, he’s calling about Tulsa’s AD.”

Burns: “Wait, we owe you HOW MUCH for leaking the Tulsa story and taking some heat off this Gundy thing?”

[Boone takes out wallet]

Boone: “I’ll just buy him some Red Bull stock, that’ll shut him up. Hell he keeps that thing half afloat anyway. Stupid energy drinks. I want a coach who’ll go straight whiskey on the sidelines.”

[Monken looks up]

Gundy: “Hope you guys have fun going back to the Houston Bowl next year.”

Boone: “I’m not going to that hell hole again, what do you want Mike?”

Monken: “That hell hole has gotten us a ton of recruits, half my receiving corps is from there.”

Boone: “No, you guys giving out my pin number like it’s cotton candy has gotten us a ton of recruits. Mike, give me a number.”

Gundy: “I want four and a half and I want to ride a train to work every day.”

Holder: “A train?”

[Monken goes on expletive-laced rant about his quarterbacks]

Burns: “Cut him off.”

Gundy: “Yeah, a train.”

[@glang1 walks in]

Boone: “This meeting is above your paygrade, boy.”

[@glang1 hands Gundy piece of paper with some numbers on it, turns to leave]

Monken: “Hey Gavin, beer me on your way out.”

Gundy: [reading paper] “Most wins in school history, highest percentage of stadium seats sold in school history, most consecutive bowls. Yeah 4.5 sounds good.”

Burns: “Ann just called, I’m late for my piano lesson. Let’s wrap this baby up.”

Boone: “Fine, take it, just don’t make me go back to the Houston Bowl and watch one of those Conference USA teams. My gosh…”

[Jimmy Sexton fist pumps in the corner]

Monken: “Stats are for losers.”

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