Satire: Baylor To Cover Entire Stadium With Tarp

Ed. Note: Josiah is back and we are glad to have him. He’s a terrific writer. What he writes is satire though. It is not real. It is meant to be humorous and hopefully shed a light on some truth that is either lighthearted or sometimes difficult to talk about. Please don’t treat the satire as if it is a real thing. OK, back to Josiah.

Things have not been going well for Baylor lately.

Due to a recent scandal involving sexual assault cases being actively suppressed by administration, Baylor has not only been forced to fire Art Briles but has also lost the majority of their recruiting classes for the next several years.

While Baylor football may rebound from this, it is doubtful they will be able to any time soon. However, new head coach Jim Grobe and new athletic director Mack Rhoades have proposed a plan for getting Baylor football back on track: withholding as much information as possible.

Rhoades explained that the new initiative has not yet been approved by the Big 12, but he’s optimistic.

“You see, we try to limit how much exposure our players get to the media, but televising games makes this a difficult balance,” said Rhoades.

“You can manage your team during the week, but when they get out on the field, you have to keep a tight rein on public perception, so this year we intend to cover the entire stadium with a tarp,” said Rhoades, gesturing to an animated GIF of a giant green tarp dropping from the sky onto McLane Stadium.

“We’re using the phrase ‘Tarp Initiative’ as the ‘blanket’ term for our new approach to information release,” said Rhoades, chuckling through a closed-tooth smile. “Not only will we be blocking the general outside view of the stadium, we intend to limit the release of other statistics, such yards per carry, interceptions, and possibly even points.”

Rhoades noted that they had considered not even reporting wins or losses, but he was pretty sure that would be a no-go with the fans and boosters.

“Our donors sure do love their football,” said Rhoades, chuckling again.

Grobe added that the logic of not reporting stats was to prevent mischaracterization of players, the team, the athletic department, and the entire university.

“Let’s say a guy has a tendency to step on the players from the other team,” said Grobe, wearing a shirt with “Baylor Wake Forest or Bust” printed on the front. “Well, we want to be able to protect him from too much media scrutiny while we figure out how to help him recover. It’s as simple as that.”

Grobe noted that before the internet and the rise of social media, troubled players had a much easier time recovering from stepping on people or other minor offenses like assault or armed robbery without the media getting involved.

“Nowadays, some guy accidentally punches someone in the face and knocks them out for several minutes and it’s a media frenzy,” said Grobe, throwing up his hands. “Haven’t you guys ever knocked someone out by mistake? I say he who is without knockouts, cast the first stone.”

Rhoades interjected that in the event of a game requiring some form of television coverage, they plan to replace most shots of the game involving Baylor with videos of the mascot breakdancing.

“I mean, who doesn’t love watching a guy hidden in a bear suit dancing to royalty free music?” said Rhoades through a smile. “I know I do.”

Rhoades also noted that all fans entering the stadium will be forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

“We’re not saying fans can’t talk about the game, but only with other fans who were at the game also, and in a locked and airtight room,” said Rhoades.

Grobe noted that while they plan to withhold most of the football stats and information, they may release some statistics and film if they feel it will benefit the program or Baylor University.

“Let’s say a guy is throwing the ball really well,” said Grobe. “Maybe he could win a Heisman or get a lot of votes? If that sort of thing happens, you bet we’ll release his stats.”

Rhoades noted that rehabilitating the Baylor image will take some time, but he and the rest of the athletic program are committed to doing just that.

“Our primary mission is making sure Baylor University’s proud traditions and standards are upheld,” said Rhoades. “We intend to do whatever we can to keep our football team relevant and contending for championships.”

When asked if they also intend to fix the culture of victim suppression, Rhoades said, “Yeah, that too.”