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Satire: Bob Stoops Totally Not In Full-Blown Panic Mode Or Anything Right Now



Last weekend marked the true opening weekend for college football. While many teams used the weekend to begin building their Playoff resume, others like OU took a hit.

No. 3 OU, in what was projected to be a straight-forward victory, were dominated by the No. 15 Houston Cougars in a 33-23 loss.

Though OU started well, scoring a touchdown and a field goal on their first two drives, the second half was a disaster. In seven drives, OU fumbled three times (recovering one), punted twice, and gave up a rare kick-six.

Not quite the high powered offense the Sooners had hoped for leading into this season.

Coach Bob Stoops said that while the game showcased the weaknesses of a squad projected to be a shoe-in for the Playoff, there is no reason to panic.

“No one likes losing, but there’s a lot of season left to play,” said Stoops. “Nobody here is looking at job sites to see if he could help rebuild a historically dominant program currently in decline in another conference. No one is doing that. Stop asking me if I’m doing that.”

Star quarterback Baker Mayfield echoed Stoops sentiments.

“Sometimes you work hard and go out and you don’t execute,” said Mayfield. “I’ve got a lot of experience with this and let me tell you, it’s never easy.”

While Mayfield put up 323 yards on 24 of 33 attempts, he also accounted for two of OU’s three 2nd half fumbles. Stoops noted that after a disheartening loss like this one, it’s important not to lose focus and put too much blame on any one play or player.

“Most of the time it wasn’t just one play or decision,” said Stoops. “It’s usually a combination of factors, like maybe we rubbed the wrong rabbit’s foot or *somebody* forgot to touch the magic rock before the game again. I’m looking at you, Samaje.”

Even though the Sooners’ hopes for the post-season may have been impacted, they still have a chance at making the Playoff if they can win out, a prospect which looks more and more difficult.

After facing what should be a victory at home against the University of Louisiana-Monroe, OU plays host to the Ohio State University Buckeyes. Stoops said that the greatest challenge for the team and the coaching staff will not be looking past the game this Saturday.

“This game Saturday will give us a real chance to prepare and give someone time to submit a few resumes,” said Stoops, “maybe even do some interviews with a few schools in the Pac-12 and ACC. I’m not doing that. Stop asking me if I’m doing that. But if someone wanted to start that process, now would be a fantastic time.”

Stoops said that the team will also have to avoid looking backwards too much and allowing the loss to continue to hurt them into the future. He noted that they’ve already implemented a “looking forward” approach following last year’s drubbing at the hands of Clemson, so they are ready to move past the loss to Houston as well.

“After our second big loss at the hands of Clemson in two years, we tried to double down on preparation for the Houston game,” said Stoops. “We drafted cover letters and updated our LinkedIn profiles and put out some feelers and looked at how easy it would be, hypothetically, to get out of a long term contract. FYI: it’s not easy.”

Stoops said that preparation may not have gotten them the win last weekend, but they will continue to work hard.

“It’s all about making yourself marketable,” said Stoops, “and hiding how you’ve secretly given up on the season already. You start to think about how early retirement might be nice. Maybe buy a small island? Maybe learn how to fly fish? Maybe finally take that backpacking trip through India? Maybe.”

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