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Satire: Cleveland Browns excited about potential to ruin another QB

The early retirement plan in Cleveland is just phenomenal.

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Will the Browns ruin their next QB like they did Brandon Weeden? (USATSI)

Will the Browns ruin their next QB like they did Brandon Weeden? (USATSI)

Speculation is the work of the football off season, and it reaches a fevered pitch in the weeks leading up to the NFL Draft.

As teams jockey for position in the Draft and players are evaluated based on skill and potential to translate to the Pros, fans and analysts alike try to figure out where each player will go and how those picks will reshape the League.

Every year, teams with poor records try to stave the bleeding through the Draft and nowhere has this been more apparent than the Cleveland Browns. Over the last few years, the Browns have been revolving door at quarterback (including some prominent QBs from the Big 12) a position where most teams look for long-term stability.

However, unlike other teams, Browns’ coach Mike Pettine and owner Jimmy Haslam said they relish their role in developing new quarterbacks.

“We always say, and say it often, that we want to be a quality organization from which our players can retire,” said Haslam. “And we’ve found a way to speed up that process for our quarterbacks.”

Haslam said recent starting QB and former Oklahoma State University player Brandon Weeden was a great example of their goals as a coaching staff.

“Man, Brandon [Weeden], that guy was something,” said Haslam. “To get someone with so much innate talent…we had to work really hard to get him ready for retirement. We almost got him there, too, but he decided to move on from the organization before we could fully realize that vision.”

“Still, we have nothing but good thoughts about how we managed him while he was here,” Halsam added.

Haslam also noted former University of Texas QB Colt McCoy as another overall success, despite his also transferring to another team.

“Colt brought a lot to the program, and took some time to adjust to the system the Lerner family had in place at the time,” said Haslam. “But he came around and we proudly continue that system today!”

Pettine agreed with Haslam and pointed to their recent handling of 2012 Heisman trophy winner Johnny Manziel as evidence of the Browns’ commitment to retiring players.

“Johnny [Manziel] has been a treasure right from the get-go,” said Haslam. “He was immediately everything we’re all about. He shows up the first day and I can tell by his size and attitude that he’ll do just fine here. Before the preseason [in 2014] he asked me, and I’ll never forget it, he asked if I was okay with him using some ‘aggressive gestures’ during games, and I just said, ‘You do you, Johnny.’ And when I saw him follow my advice…those are really the moments you treasure.”

During a 2014 preseason loss to Washington, Manziel notably “gave the finger” to the Washington bench and was subsequently fined $12,000.

“Johnny’s [Manziel] right on track to retirement,” said Pettine, “and we couldn’t be happier.”

Pettine said for this year’s draft, he hopes that the Browns can acquire another quality QB to initiate into their retirement system just in case Manziel doesn’t reach his full retirement potential.

“We’d really love to get someone with a lot ability, someone who can reach retirement quickly,” said Pettine. “We’d love to get Jameis [Winston], but he probably won’t be available by our first pick.”

Pettine laughed and shook his head.

“Can you imagine what we could do with Jameis [Winston] and Johnny [Manziel] on the same roster?” said Pettine. “It would be incredible.”

Pettine said Baylor QB Bryce Petty would be a more realistic option and thinks Petty “would do just fine if given the chance to retire at Cleveland.”

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