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Satire: Kansas starting QB hoping to survive season



Among the many quarterback races in the Big 12 this year, none has been more hotly followed than the Kansas Jayhawks’. After frontrunner Michael Cummings tore his ACL during a scrimmage, the competition opened up between junior Montell Cozart and freshmen Carter Stanley and Ryan Willis.

However, the news broke Monday that Cozart will be getting the nod to start on coach David Beaty’s first team at Kansas.

Cozart said that he’s grateful for the opportunity.

“Yeah, uh, I’m grateful,” said Cozart, slowly backing away from reporters. “I’m just kind of nervous and stuff. You know, after losing o-line guys like Joe [Bloomfield] and Junior [Visinia], I’m kind of afraid for my safety a little bit.”

Cozart went on to explain that he’s been following coverage of other Big 12 defenses and that he’s not confident in his ability to not die.

“I mean, Mike [Cummings] got his knee destroyed just playing our team,” said Cozart quietly trying to hide in a broom closet. “I know he was running and not in the pocket, but can you imagine if someone like [OSU defensive end Emmanuel] Ogbah or [Baylor defensive end Shawn] Oakman had been coming at him? Blood everywhere.”

Cozart said while he’s concerned about his protection in the pocket, he’s still pleased with earning the starting job.

“I mean, I’m still hopeful,” said Cozart attempting to climb out a window and flee the practice facility. “I really hope that my insides stay inside, you know. I think that’s a pretty high priority goal for every quarterback, and I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way.”

Cozart admitted that the changes in personnel have altered his playing style somewhat.

“Yeah, I’ve been working on taking care of the ball,” said Cozart, visibly frustrated with how many exterior doors had already been locked for the day. “I’ve been working on sliding and kneeling, you know, general evasion drills. I’ve also been trying to work on my release so I can throw a quick interception and just get it over with.”

Coach Beaty chimed in after Cozart managed to crawl through a service door and run out of sight through the parking lot.

“Montell has done a fantastic job taking on a leadership role,” said Beaty. “I’ve been really impressed with his poise and…wait he’s where? [Expletive deleted] it, not another escape.”

After carefully scouring the campus, Beaty said he was able to corner Cozart in his dorm and convince him to stay on the team by begging, weeping, and drafting up a sizable life insurance plan.

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