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Satire: Paul Rhoads Disappointed to Not Crush Dream of Thousands



We’ve been here before.

An undefeated OSU team traveling to Ames to play a surging Iowa State. A game the Cowboys should win comfortably but don’t. In 2011, it spelled disaster for the Pokes’ national title hopes, and it almost did again for this year’s squad.


However, the Cardiac Cowboys found a way to win with the odds stacked against them, once again.

While the Cowboy faithful were thrilled with the chance to exorcise the demons of years past, Iowa State coach Paul Rhoads was not as pleased with the outcome of the game.

“We live to create disappointment here at Iowa State,” said Rhoads. “It’s what we build our program around: crushing dreams. I mean, I popped five children’s balloons on the way over here and stole one ice cream cone. You’ve got to lead by example.”

Rhoads said that going into the game, he and the team knew the history of beating an undefeated OSU in Ames and hoped to capitalize on that.

“I knew that if we were going to be a disappointing program,” said Rhoads, “this was our chance. We’d just disappointed Texas to the tune of 24 points, and we hoped to do something similar to Mike’s [Gundy] squad. But we couldn’t get over the hump as a team.”

Rhoads said following a victory over OSU, Iowa State planned to lose in spectacular fashion to Kansas State and West Virginia, essentially destroying OSU hopes of making Iowa State a quality loss.

“Maximized disappoint takes a lot of focus and effort,” said Rhoads. “We practice creating disappointment on our own fans every year. We work hard on it so that when we unleash it on another fan base, we get the highest results possible.”

Rhoads then paused to call his daughter and tell her that he would not be able to make her birthday party tonight after all.

Iowa State quarterback Joel Lanning, who had a solid three-touchdown showing against a talented OSU defense, agreed with Rhoads.

“We really hoped to make that the saddest possible moment for OSU fans as we could,” said Lanning, while refusing to give five-year-old fan an autograph. “We were even going to rush the field again to re-create that picture. We thought we had them, especially when that kick went wide left, but we couldn’t finish strong.”

OSU coach Mike Gundy said that he and coaching staff became aware of Iowa State disappointment strategy in the 2nd quarter.

“Once I realized they were trying to beat us with sadness,” said Gundy, “I started circulating and telling knock-knock jokes. I did okay, but Glenn [Spencer] really helped rally the troops.”

“Kittens,” said Spencer. “Kittens, puppies, cotton candy, and cake at half-time made a huge difference. We didn’t let the guys have too much because too much sugar is bad for your heart and sense of self, but we let them have enough to perk them up. We watched that YouTube video of the panda sneezing and a wrecking ball demolishing a building. I gave each of them a hug and we went out and won the ball game.”

Rhoads explained that even though Iowa State failed to disappoint OSU, they still hold out hope to crush the dreams of Kansas State and West Virginia.

“There’s still a lot of football left to lose,” said Rhoads. “And if you’re going to lose to someone, it might as well be us.”

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