Satire: Texas Tech Defense Really Going through Some Stuff Right Now

It’s no mystery that Texas Tech’s defense has struggled mightily this year. Just last week against Texas, the Red Raiders allowed an average of 8.3 yards rushing per attempt and let Texas running back D’Onta Foreman reach a staggering 341 total yards.

Texas Tech’s defensive coordinator David Gibbs said the consistent poor performance by his squad has deeply affected his players.

“Some guys have started doing different crafts like knitting or playing acoustic guitar after practice to give themselves some space to think,” said Gibbs. “A few have taken up vaping and wearing black jean jackets and sunglasses.”

Defensive back Jah’Shawn Johnson said he and the rest of the defense have also started a discussion group that meets at a small, out-of-the-way coffee shop to talk about life and philosophy.

“We’ve been dialoging for the weeks about what the word ‘defense’ really means,” said Johnson, wearing a slightly tattered sweater over a white t-shirt. “Who are we defending, really? What are the ethical ramifications of different kinds of defense?

“Can we defend a game in a way that will help keep the rain forests safe? We’re actually thinking about forming an action committee to do something about rainforest defense on the football field, but we don’t want to rush things.”

Johnson added that he, Gibbs, and the rest of the defense have been encouraging each other to take it really slow on the field and smell the roses more.

“You don’t get to give up 66 points every game, so you should try to enjoy the unique parts of that experience,” said Johnson absently plucking petals from a daisy. “Life is a mysterious journey and no one really knows how things are going to turn out.”