Satire: Oklahoma State to Try Weebles on Offensive Line

If luck was a statistic, Oklahoma State might be leading the country in it.

Despite a stalwart defense and game-winning production by specialists Ben Grogan (despite poor protection and holder performances) and Zach Sinor, OSU is very fortunate to be 6-0.

Some have attributed the wins to the team’s moxie and gutsy play while others have pointed to OSU’s belief that they can win regardless of field position or score in the final minutes.

Whatever the reason for the wins, most credit the team’s struggles to the offense’s poor production and credit the offense’s poor production to bad blocking by the interior linemen. The center and guards have been unable to help the offensive establish the run or to protect the quarterback (or kicker) from even basic pressure by the defensive line.

However, offensive coordinator Mike Yurcich said those problems will soon be a thing of the past.

“We plan to substitute out our center, right, and left guard for human-sized Weebles,” said Yurcich, wearing a T-shirt with “Gundy screen passes in Madden” printed on the front. “They’ll be a perfect fit for our scheme, and, of course, they won’t fall down.”

Yurcich said while he is usually happy to claim inspiration from small, plastic, children’s toys, the new strategy came from offensive line coach Greg Adkins.

“Yeah, I was watching the tape with our [offensive analyst] Darrell Wyatt, and we got to talking about what we could do to make the line better,” said Adkins, “when it struck me: what if we just didn’t let them play at all? Is that even possible? Darrell thought it was and we got to brainstorming.”

Yurcich said that there are more advantages to using Weebles than their tendency to wobble.

“After all, they’re virtually immune to offensive holding,” said Yurcich.

When asked about the truth of this immunity, Big 12 official Alan Eck only said, “We’ll see.”

Eck did clarify that using Weebles instead of players has actually been legal for several decades.

“Apparently it was passed in the 70s,” said Eck, “but was buried deep in the section about the rules for defensive holding. Who knew?”

When asked whether he was happy with being replaced by soulless though potentially more proficient plastic people, guard Paul Lewis said he wasn’t overjoyed but he knew it was best for the team.

“Man, those Weebles can ball,” said Lewis. “Nobody but E-man [Ogbah] can get around them.”

We tried to reach Ogbah for comment, but he was busy taking a concrete and glass shower.

Yurcich said that with the substitution to Weebles, things are looking up for the OSU run game.

“They may not be faster or particularly mobile,” said Yurcich, “but they get in the way a lot, and that’s something.”