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Three Questions: Mrs. Pistols



Joining me today is none other than my wife, Mrs. Pistols — Jennifer Porter. She knows more about a sewing machine than I’ll ever know about a spread offense but when it comes to football…well…let’s go to the questions.

1. Pretty interesting year for OSU coming off a BCS win and reloading with a frosh at QB. What are you most excited about?

My excitement for football this year revolves around anything that has to do with tailgating, wearing orange dresses, and hanging out with friends. I’m also literally a fair weather fan, so I’ll also add that to the list: perfectly crisp fall weather.

I’m sure you asked this for giggles since most of your readers are under the impression that my knowledge of football is non-existent. I let you make jokes about me because it makes for comedic writing, but the truth is I know more than you let on. I feel like I could roughly define most football terms you could throw at me, with the exception of holding. But let’s be honest- I don’t think half the males in America actually know what holding is[1. This is probably true.]. The real issue here is my lack of interest in football, but I can actually get pretty emotional about a game now and then. Just as long as the temperature is between 68 and 80 degrees.

2. Rank these players in order of your favorite to least favorite and tell me why: Weeden, Dez, Zac, Blackmon, Barry Sanders, Rashaun, Joe Randle, and Justin Gilbert

The first words that come to my mind for each of these players: Weeden (Melanie), Dez (criminal record), Zac (eyes, duh), Blackmon (Olivia), Barry (Heisman), Rashaun (Woods), Joe Randle (I think he’s supposed to be good this year), and Justin Gilbert (runs fast).

On my highly complex rating scale, that puts them in the following order:

Weeden (because Melanie might be reading)
Zac (I can’t believe Melanie beat out his eyes)
Barry (because I think he might be a legend)
Blackmon (because charity work is kinda cool)
Gilbert (because I know he’s “your boy”)
Rashaun (because I vaguely remember him from college)
Joe (because he’s better than Dez)
Dez (because no one likes a criminal)

3. People want to know how you forecast this season playing out so…who plays for the title? Wins the Heisman? What is OSU’s record?

I think I stopped paying attention to football statistics around 2004, so I’ll go with USC for the title.

Are you serious with the Heisman question? The list of players I know this year includes two from the previous question plus Lunt. And not just from OSU – that’s for all college football. Though I feel like I’ve heard whispers about a guy named Matt something[2. I think she means Barkley, I’ll give it to her], so I’ll go with him.

Are you asking about OSU’s record of all time? Football? I feel like you’re trying to trick me by making me answer about this year. But if there’s one thing I know about OSU football, it’s that we haven’t played a game yet this season. All time, I’ll put us at 38% wins, which would probably total to about 282 wins and 462 losses[3. Actually 531-523-47 for a 50.4% winning percentage].

Make sure your readers know I answered all questions in orange. For brownie points.

Also, check out her Etsy store — help feed our future children.

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