OSU Family Camp

Last weekend Brandon Weeden spent a little bit of time at the Manning Passing Academy with Peyton, Eli, Archie, and (my personal favorite) Cooper.

The camp congregates hundreds of aspiring high school quarterbacks who get to spend time with the Manning brothers as well as college “counselors” like Weeden, Landry Jones, Andrew Luck, and Denard Robinson.

There’s a skills challenge, a cameo by Jon Gruden (where’s he not cameo-ing these days?), and many many many DirecTV jokes.

All in all it’s a great opportunity for a slew of high schoolers to rub shoulders with some of the NCAA’s elite signal-callers and of course a pair of Super Bowl champs.

I got to thinking though, since the Manning family has locked up the “I’m a high school QB in the south and my parents have enough disposable income to drop $560 on a football camp that may or may not teach me anything useful” niche, we need other family sports camps in our lives, specifically those associated with Oklahoma State. These five in particular come to mind…

The Gundy Coaching Academy – Tutoring from two of the finest offensive minds Midwest City, Oklahoma has ever produced. Learn the ins and outs of how to shape the bill of your coaching visor and when/when not to wear it. Receive on-the-job press conference protocol training complete with fake reporter stand-ins asking ridiculous questions. Gift bag for attending includes pint of pomade, offensive playbook sans running plays, and copy of My World album.

The Woods School of Receiving – Learn the classic Woodsian tricks: how to push off of DBs using only your hip while simultaneously mind-Jedi-ing Big 12 referees into never calling this for a penalty. All yours for the low price of $200 and whatever contribution you can make to help bribe Pontiac into never playing that freaking commercial again for the rest of American television history.

The Bell Celebration Institution – This is kind of a stretch since TJ barely played at OSU, but then again Cooper never played anywhere, so whatever. This camp is cheap ($100 for two day-sessions) mostly because attendees never see and/or touch a football. Tatum and TJ simply teach skill position players how to pop their chin straps after scoring 1.) on a long run/catch 2.) in a crucial situation or 3.) at any time against OU. Requirements: your helmet, an old school Tom Brady-like chin strap, and the foreknowledge that you will never make this look as good as Tatum Bell made it look.

The Graham Weightlifting Association – This would be fun: “Thank you for your $400, folks. We’re going to have a great week. Oh and no matter how hard you try or how many weights you lift for the rest of your life, you will never even come close to looking like and/or jumping and displaying ungodly amounts of athleticism like we do. But again, thanks for the four-hundred bones!”

The Eaton/Nash School of Self-Efficacy – For just $300 you too can transform yourself from a promising young superstar athlete into a self-gratifying, self-fulfilling stereotype intent on nothing more than glamorizing your brand and furthering your own mark on planet earth! Learn helpful personal skills and college tricks-of-the-trade: how to order half the menu at McDonalds for under $10, how to turn fans against you before ever attending school, and how to feign injury and trick 13,610 (I was not one of them) people into believing you for 120 straight games. Early bird special: pay $50 extra and receive 10 free shares of McDonald’s stock options!

Please, if you have others, give them to me in the comments below…