Satire: A&M not Renewing Texas Rivalry Because: “Those People are the Worst”

Conference realignment brought new possibilities. Programs like TCU, previously stuck in lower-tier leagues, had a chance to ascend to new heights, while others like Baylor were able to thrive against the new Big 12 lineup.

However, realignment hasn’t only brought about opportunity. Storied rivalries like Nebraska vs. Oklahoma and Texas vs. Texas A&M have been swept away in the fallout, with no sign of these rivalries ever resuming.

Some would like to rekindle the Texas/A&M rivalry game, citing the Florida/Florida State rivalry as one of many successful cross-conference competitions. However, neither Texas nor A&M have agreed to reinstitute the historic game.

In a recent interview, A&M Athletic Director Eric Hyman explained the reasoning behind discontinuing the long tradition.

“Those people are just the worst. I mean, really,” Hyman said at a Tuesday press conference. “Have you ever had to talk to any of them? I mean, geez, y’know, just…wow. Right?”

Head football coach Kevin Sumlin added that the fans and really everyone at Texas is just insufferable.

“Ok, not everyone in town,” Sumlin clarified, “Austin is a nice place after all. It’s just…that orange…it looks like curdled hotdogs.”

Sumlin said that Texas head coach Charlie Strong has tried to reach out to him in the past to bridge the gap between the one-time rivals, but Sumlin said he found Strong’s communication frustrating and offensive.

“He asks me if I want to come work for him, since being an assistant coach at Texas is a step up from being a head or offensive line coach anywhere else in the country,” said Sumlin. “Then he sends me a picture of a burning dumpster.”

When asked whether or not that frustration would actually help the rivalry, Sumlin gave a resounding “No.”

“Just, don’t ask me to go back there and talk to him,” said Sumlin. “I didn’t even know what was happening the last time I saw him. He gave me a thumbs up instead of a Gig ‘Em. Doesn’t he know those aren’t the same thing?”

Sumlin concluded that a rivalry just can’t happen when two groups despise each other as much as he despises Texas.

“That’s just not what a rivalry is all about,” said Sumlin.

Strong, surprisingly, agreed with Sumlin’s declaration that Texas no longer needed to play A&M.

“After all,” said Strong, making a gesture halfway between a thumbs down and a scissor, “our biggest rival is West Virginia.”