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The Mountaineer Mantrip



I had honestly run out of posts for the week. We covered Wes Lunt on Monday, looked at Weeden vs. Landry on Tuesday, and dove into the baseball issues OSU has on Wednesday. I was probably just going to let today ride before posting an Orange Power Poll on Friday. That is, until this, a sweet morsel sent straight from the sports blogging gods, came across my Twitter feed yesterday afternoon:

I have questions (as always). Like, was his Twitter picture taken at the Monongalia county (Morgantown) jail? Why is his Twitter name his actual name but backwards? Is it some sort of deeper message about his personal world view? As in, we are all backwards because we don’t live in hotels and we do drink water? And finally, what in the world does a “Mountaineer Mantrip” consist of?

I emailed Nolo shortly after all this happened yesterday afternoon and this is what he came back with:

OMG there are limitless possibilities. And I mean LIMITLESS. A Mountaineer Mantrip with a head football coach who’s deeper into the Tyson Zone than anyone since Mike Leach?! I would take a backwoods mountain trip with Dana SO fast. Wow.

And so together we decided what this ambiguous trip with a West Virgina-loving audience undoubtedly as captive as Ron Artest and Ochocinco at a “how to amend your birth certificate” class might consist of. Here’s what we came up with (Nolo goes first and I follow up his elaborate tale with four other possibilities):

Welcome to Mountaineer Mantrip 2011 Sponsored by Red Bull. Red Bull gives you wings! Which is good because that might be the only way you make it out of this weekend alive. Here’s what I imagine a day in the trip to be like…

Dana wakes up early this morning, around 10:30 am, naked, with a splitting headache only a pack of Marboro Red’s and a Gatorade jug of 5 hour energy can cure. Both of which he has readily available at all times. He throws on nothing but a pair of overalls with no socks, no shoes, no underwear, no under shirt and what’s left of his luscious locks flow freely out the back of a coon skin Davy Crockett hat. He walks out of his cabin holding an 18th century musket and eating a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and he decides to take the team on a hike through the mountains of West Virginia.

The lineman are sent to catch trout out of a stream for dinner led by the guy who invented the Mountaineer Mantrip and who earned his nickname by catching more trout out of a stream with his bare hands than anyone in human history. The Huggy Bear himself, Bob Huggins.

Meanwhile, inspired by the rabbit chasing high schoolers in south Florida, Dana leads Shawne Alston and the rest of the skill players out to the rocky cliffs of the Appalachian mountains where he will use a reverse effect of this rabbit chasing phenomenon to choose this year’s starting receiving corps. Dana has a stopwatch and a clipboard and the exercise starts when the first player is spotted by a wild bobcat. That player will be singled out and chased throughout the rugged landscape and as soon as they are brought to the ground, Holgerson will shoot the bobcat with his musket then stop the clock. The 4 players who last the longest will get the honor of running wide receiver screens until Dana gets caught with a hooker and a pound of blow in a Las Vegas hotel room as 5:00AM, which might happen sometime around week 9.

Have I taken this too far yet? The real question I should be asking is, would any of this surprise you?

Here are a few other possible scenarios Kyle came up with…

1. A group of 50 hardcore Mountaineer fans gather at Milan Puskar Stadium (the most aptly named stadium possible for a team coached by Dana) and are each presented a personalized coonskin cap by Oliver Luck. These fans then pile into a 18-passenger conversion van and are whisked away to Dana’s living quarters where they set up camping tents in the lobby of the Country Inn and Suites and are told to wear their caps for a 2AM skinny dip in Burnsville Lake near the Appalachians to prevent pneumonia. 3 leave their caps at the hotel. Those 3 all die. Mountaineer Mantrip gets cancelled in 2012.

2. Dana announces to the group of man-trippers that he has brought two special guests in to provide entertainment for the evening. Steve Slaton and Pat White walk into the locker room and the entire group goes cow tipping at a local farm until the wee hours. Things get weird near 3AM when Dana sacrifices a ewe in honor of their 2006 Sugar Bowl victory over Georgia. He then tries to sacrifice Slaton. Gary Kubiak is there and intervenes.

3. Group meets at a Grandy’s near the stadium before Holgerson puts them through 6 hours of rigorous card counting training. They hit a local casino at midnight. The group is killing it at the blackjack tables while Holg sits in the corner nursing his 29th Red Bull and Vodka of the night and drawing up spread option plays for Noel Devine. By 1AM he realizes that Noel Devine has graduated. He takes half the money the group makes, signs 4 autographs, and joins Huggy Bear for breakfast at the same Grandy’s at 3AM.

4. Dana calls Kevin Pittsnogle, Mike Gansey, and Rich Rodriguez. They spend 8 hours choreographing a West Virginian answer to the Golf Boys video. The Mountaineer Man-trippers look on in disbelief and are served drinks for 8 straight hours as Dana does his best Joey Fatone impression. The internet collapses and the world ends the next day when the video is uploaded. No more Mountaineer Mantrips.

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